Around 3:15 in the morning I reopen the store. The coffee is fresh, the music, still stale and stagnant and on repeat like it has been since I started here. I don’t see many people in the next hour and a half, but in that time I’m able to get most of my work done and somehow find my peace of mind.
For the last few years I have been in and out of places that I call home, but only temporarily because I know that it will eventually come to an end. I’m not talking about my life, although that does fall into the same category as the temporary housing I have found myself bouncing around in and out of.
Until now. Now I choose to stop bouncing.
I’m not going to accomplish this feat by getting a really well priced room in someone’s house. I’m not going to clear this task by finding the best priced apartment for my budget. In fact, I’ve already had my apartment for two years. It’s just that it’s not very big, doesn’t really have a lot f storage space and it also is on four wheels.
How did I end up choosing to live in my car for the next few months? Have you seen the rents here in Santa Rosa? You have to take out a loan just to come up with the security deposit and first and last months rent. I’m being facetious, but it is a very hefty down payment to move into a place for an entire year lease and know that you can’t get out, because if you do, you’re gonna lose everything. And by everything I just mean money. I don’t mean my possessions, although that could easily be something I left behind many times before.
While you are waking up, I’m getting ready for bed. And when you’re asleep, I’m sitting on the curb of a gas station at 11:30 on a Saturday night writing a blog about my life and hoping that you can relate to some part of it .
I’m not lost, but I’m not found either. I’m still trying to figure out my way here but while I’m doing it I shouldn’t have to work to live, and only end up living to work. I don’t think I’ve seen my girlfriend between the hours of 10 pm and 6AM for three months now, and I know that’s not very healthy for our relationship, but I took the first job I was offered after I quit the bar, and I don’t regret that decision.
And I mean I don’t regret quitting a bartending job that paid me over $50,000 a year to go work at a gas station that pays me less than $45,000. At some point, my sanity and my way of life is more important than an extra five or $6000 every year.
I can’t change my hours right now and honestly I don’t want to. I can count on one hand how many blogs I have written since October of last year and I’m not happy with the fact that it’s literally only four. But I needed this time, and I need more time to think and to figure out what I’m doing here and I’m going to end up doing it sitting on a curb at a gas station at 20 minutes to midnight on any given day of the week from Tuesday through Saturday.I’ll keep doing it until I get interrupted by a car pulling in to get gas, like I am right now.
I got to go, but in the meantime I’m not totally disappointed with where I ended up I just wanna know why. I still am still loving my life here, but I don’t have a clue as to where I’m going.
I guess it could be worse I could just not be here.
Complaining Is An Art Form 