Losing it All Just To Find It Again.

feel like Driving like 55 in a 40 today because nobody’s watching the roads. I can time my arrivals so I don’t have to stop moving before I takeoff again. I don’t know what other people must think of me as I blow pass them as soon as the light turns green going moderately faster than I should be.

Today’s the day where I decide to get out of the situation that is driving me crazy at home, and get into my car, surrounded by an idiot who has been losing and finding every object that isn’t nailed down.

I don’t know why, but its been like this. I might then drive a little crazy just so I can get to Target and cure my sickness with retail therapy.

And I will not forget, that is to say, I will remember to honk my horn and therefore piss off the Mexican American driver in front of me who apparently never learned both lanes can merge into one without stopping fourteen times. I’ll use the proper terminology here and I wont say “dont forget” because remembering is a positive affirmation and forgetting isn’t even in my vocabulary.

i’ll remember to feel proud and almost euphoric, and I’ll feel like I’ve won some sort of road game that has yet to be named but is might have a six in it.

And then I will proceed to purchase new storage bins for all my shit which I seem to be replacing without fully understanding why

And maybe Im losing my shit as I find a new place for it. Im not sure how Im moving or how the two are connected, but I’ll find out.

And at some point I’ll start talking to the guy who rung me up as he informs me the codes callled over the radio have nothing to do with the color they are associated with, which is why somebody bleeding is a code green.
because blood is icky and real life is just too real for Target who also had a red icky logo now.

Somewhere along the line I have paid for everything as my bins fall to the linoleum. That’s the last time I remember having all my debit and credit cards and ID.

It won’t dawn on me until 4 o’clock in the morning that I in fact have legitimately lost my wallet somewhere between the Target and my house.

8am is when Target opens and hopefully answers their phone.

I bet you the wallet is there.

What Do You Want From Me

This really wasn’t supposed to happen at all, none of it. I don’t know how it should’ve ended but I bet they killed off the main character. maybe it ended a million different ways before and I’ve just alleviated a handful of negative outcomes for myself.

I’ll tell you with the most honest truth behind it, I never saw this coming, but I’m so fucking glad that it’s finally here and I know I can’t hold onto it.

but I want to.

I never look back when I move forward because it’s hard to look in two directions at once but maybe you don’t even have to turn around anymore because you have that back up camera. I don’t know how to use one of those because I don’t like looking at the a TV when I can see better with my own two eyes.

Small towns in all parts of the country are very much alike not because of who lives there, but because of who can’t leave there. I was both, until I wasn’t.

So with my two eyes I’m watching your back and I’m watching my own. I am seeing you for the first time and I’m dumbfounded and wondering how. I’m gazing over at you and I stop for a second and remember how lucky I am until, I am snatched out of my fantasy, back into a reality and no matter what they asked me for, all I’m thinking is what do you want from me?

And it’s not being asked in a nice way it’s an irritated and frustrated type of question that needs no answer because if I’m asking that question they’ve already tried to take too much .

And try they will, until they think I dont have anything left. But I have two statements that used to be secrets cause I got a lot of it to go around, and I know where to get more.

Seems like I’m the one who doesn’t want leave now.

Ten Minutes

I have the next ten minutes to myself. There’s nobody here, just me and two dozen geese jumping into the lake 200 yards away as a random golf cart crosses the greens and the geese settle back in. It’s 70 degrees, and there is not a cloud in the sky. This is the epitome of serenity. I don’t know if my version is anything close to your version but even if it’s not, that’s OK .

I’m only here for another eight minutes and then I imagine the serene will dissipate and I will start to forget how relaxed I feel right now. I’ll probably have to do something immediately that will take me out of my zone and later on I’ll forget something kind of important, but only kind of important to me. No one will know, and no will would care, but I’ll get mad at myself and wish I had those five minutes back when I wasn’t thinking about stupid shit.

Also five minutes remain in my pre work break and I just told an intrusive fly to go fuck itself. I know how ridiculous that is, and I don’t care. That fly took a minute of peace away from me, but I don’t have the heart to tell him he’s gonna be dead in thirty six hours. I can’t relate to a lifespan of less than two days, but I can relate to wanting to be that fly on the third day. I remember sitting in the restaurant about 16 months ago not knowing if I wanted to be here. I don’t mean like I should find another job, but rather I wondered if maybe it was just time to clock out, but you know….for good.

I’m way past that now, and I know I want to live because I’m still fucking here and because I put my seat belt on when I’m in the car with her,. I’m not planning any early exits, but I realize that it needed to happen to get me to this place where I am now and that is watching these geese swim around in the recycled water on a perfect day at the golf and country club where I work and where I also never thought I would be two years ago.

Two minutes remain and I think about how in the past I had this problem of talking myself out of anything good like an opportunity, or a major move, or a new relationship. I could walk into a Target and pick out a whole office furniture set-up and probably have it put together within three hours of purchase, but I would question everything about a girl I just met and I think I’m fucking over that guy now.

And as I’m sitting here still trying to comprehend how I can be so lucky and clumsy at the same time, I have to remember that it doesn’t really matter how it all came to happen, so long as I keep it up, whatever it is that I did to get here and not to find myself guilty self sabotage. I’ve watched myself create something great in my only to have to tear it down years later and I think I did that so I could learn something from it.

But I don’t have to do that anymore. I learned that this week. Now all I have to do is walk up the stairs with a smile on my face and really mean it, because I deserve this time in my life, finally. For me this is heaven .

Nobody Likes You When You’re

It’s quite shocking how carefree I am with this. I’m literally unable to make a complaint or over think any scenario.

Do you know how stupidly I would’ve fucked this up years ago? I won’t now, cause I’m not that dumb and I’m not twenty two. Cause nobody likes you when you’re twenty three. But I did.

How can I just have fear of something my whole life, and wake up one day, and forget I was ever afraid.

It’s the first time I have waited and patiently and took the time that was needed. Got to know where her heart lies, and figured out which sleeve she wears her emotions on.

Ok, I love this, but I never wanted this, but this is the kind of love I would want to end the movie
.
Its both by the way. It’s the end of the movie and it’s both her sleeves because I watched them throw their arms around me, and I saw for myself what I needed to see again.