I woke up the other morning with the blues. There was really no rhyme or reason for it. Nothing tumultuous had happened the night before to cause me to feel this way, nothing in my life had changed that much from yesterday and aside from the fact that it is unseasonably warm and dry this week and my hands feel like they can’t hold any moisture anymore, everything was pretty much the same, except for this wave of doubt and uncertainty that consumed me as I lay on the couch and did nothing the rest of the day.
Maybe it’s part of my self-sabotaging plan to talk myself out of plans that I plan to follow through with. Perhaps it’s in my nature to think that something is going to go wrong when nothing has had a chance to wrong yet. Maybe I’m in the middle of a mid life crisis that doesn’t seem so much of a crisis until I put all this unrealistic pressure on myself to have it all figured out.
I paid all my credit card bills in one day, and that was probably the catalyst. It’s depressing to shell out hard earned money for the lifestyle I bought myself the last year, and then realize that I’m still going to be paying for it well into 2016 and beyond. Those Nike Air Max I bought on sale in March don’t really seem to bring me the joy I thought they would in November. That cell phone bill that I’ve been hiding within my credit limit rears it’s ugly head once every month on the 17th, and the big idea that I have been creating since October that could move me somewhere new is the one mindset that I shouldn’t be allowing negative thoughts to creep into, but somehow, I find myself in the middle of a doubt, without the indecision of a falling out.
I don’t think things could be worse, because believe me, I know that they could and I’d be writing an entirely different blog if that were the case. I guess I just want to know that my plans will come to fruition, without this wave of hesitancy that is hanging around like a bad cough. I guess I just want to be confident of the perfect mess inside my head that makes sense to me, but may not make sense on paper. I guess I just want the security to know that everything is going to work out the way it’s meant to, even though I know that euphamism could go either way.
There have been too many signs of agreement about the ideas I’m putting into motion for me to start to doubt them now, but I think a small amount of uncertainty is healthy. It just makes me a little bit more particular about what I put out into the world, and it makes me slightly more energetic to talk to people about it, and it makes me have to write it down to define exactly what it is that I want to have happen.
The doubts that creep in are just distractions that are trying to sidetrack me. In the immortal word of Quentin Tarantino,”That’s pride fucking wit ya.” Ok, perhaps it’s not pride but regardless, the weather will change, and then change again and I will have to remember that the key here is not to listen to that noise inside my head.
I have to tell myself that I’m not an idiot, because idiots don’t write this well, and idiots don’t have precise thought out plans that they know are for the best, and idiots don’t have friends in places that appear when the time is right, and idiots don’t let doubts and confusion rent any more space inside their head.
I guess I’m not an idiot after all.