I Guess This Is Growing Up

I couldn’t begin to tell you what is wrong with me. The list would probably be longer than the receipt I received at CVS the other night, and it wouldn’t include any 40% off coupons. It would be filled with words like depressed, despair, a man filled with woe and not a single way to express these feelings or a solution to working them out. I don’t know if they can be worked out anymore. I think this lethargic, overworked, and exhausted bag of bones I see in front of me is actually me.

I am unsure of my future, I am drudging through my present, and I try really hard not to look back into my past because if I do, I might see something else that I need to fix, but what I have learned these last seventy five days is that I can not change the path that got me here. I can only move forward, and I can’t stand still for too long while I’m trying to decipher which path to take next.

The roads in front of me might appear to go all different ways, but a part of me knows that any of these decisions I make will eventually spell out the same outcome to my life. The end.

Not literally, mind you. Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t secretly wish it would all be over tomorrow. You might be thinking, what a morbid thought, but there is some peacefulness that I find in knowing how it’s going to end, or how it’s going to begin.

The problem, as I see it is that I don’t really know either of those facts, and I won’t really know them until they happen and by that time, it’s too late to stop it.

I’ve preached from the pulpit that “everything happens for a reason” and I still believe in that saying, but sometimes the reasons are unclear, or they are interpreted incorrectly, or sometimes they are not revealed until I follow through with the decision that I have been struggling to make or agonizing over for weeks.

I have been trying to go up and down this laundry list of issues I have and trying to pick out the ones that give me the most grief and eliminate them, but I don’t know where to start, what I need to do to get there, or if anything I do really even matters anymore.

I guess this is growing up. Accepting the things I can not change, and trying to live in the moment, all while not allowing my past to catch up with me, and dodging the bullets that life is shooting at me in the present. I didn’t ask for this, but in some ways I absolutely did.