Champagne Problems

Isn’t it ironic how life can be so bittersweet. It must be an addicting formula, because I keep going back for more sweetness, but I seem to ignore the bitter taste it leaves in my mouth when Im done eating. Then the rest of my day is filled with confusion and uncertainty, as I try to figure out why the bite seems to be worse that the bark.

I’ve been a shit before in my life, and especially to the few women who were brave enough to date me, but I took five years off from that scene to really define and figure out what it is that I want in a woman, if that opportunity ever manifested again. Needless to say, I had my doubts.

I didn’t care how tall she was, I didn’t care if she had money or good credit. I didn’t care what color her hair was, and I knew she’d be beautiful regardless, I just wanted someone to accept me for who I am, and love me unconditionally till the day one of us dies.

Morbid, perhaps, but I didn’t think I was even going to kiss another woman let alone fuck one or fall in love and find myself spending nights in a Four Points Sheraton that I would have been able to afford to walk thru let alone spend two nights as a guest.

But these worldly things I mention, they aren’t on my list of wishes or qualities in a soulmate. Sure, I’d love it if she were like me, a blend of blue collar and white trash royalty, who has, style, sex appeal and the occasional run in with the law that amounts to a verbal or written warning, but I never really defined that as a trait I desired.

But when she showed up in all of her Californian suburban glory one night at our local Walmart, not wearing a bra something clicked in me. A few weeks later she bought me an anniversary present. It wasn’t our anniversary at all, in fact we hadn’t even made out yet, but five years from that day I had been arrested in New Jersey, and she celebrated my freedom with two tailor made gifts that I treasure to today.

Now, again, it wasn’t about the item she got me, it wasn’t about the amount of money it costs, it was about how someone cared enough to remind me of how far I have come since that day in April 2018. A day that changed my life forever, and one that I mentioned to her off the cuff, and that might have been a little off putting to her. After all, I’m sure not many girls’ dream guys are forty something year old faded rockstar types, with a 580 credit score, and a felony drug possession on their record, but I guess those things didn’t matter to her because she was able to see me for who I really was.

I’m a good person with a kind heart who gets the occasional footprint on it as it sometimes gets used as a mat for people to wipe their shit. I guess I’m used to it now, most of the shit comes off with a little soap and water anyway, but I’ll never understand how this love can be so precious and fulfilling some times, and still so callous and spiteful at others.

But I don’t think that’s my problem to figure out anyway.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

September 24th 2023
9:36pm Fountaingrove Golf & Country Club

I remember being a kid in school and at the end of the summer, when September hit, there was this sudden feeling that made me uncomfortable. I knew that September meant no more late weekday nights, it also signaled the end of summer, and sadly, it also meant the beginning of school, which for kids now isn’t a thing. I always used to hate the month of September, until I stopped going to school.

Now, as I am creeping in on my late forties, every ninth month of the year signifies the start of the football season, and my woes about going to class haven’t been a reality since the mid nineties, but this year, all I want to do is crawl into my twin sized bed, and ask someone to wake me up when September ends.

I couldn’t tell you which one of the calamities I lived through this month finally put me over the edge. It might have been the twelve days I had off from work when I never really asked for it. It could have been the attempt at sabatoge I was keen enough to sniff out. It could be how my GM tried to go behind my back and offer another bartender one of my shifts. The bartender turned it down because we had an agreement before the summer began. This bartender also happens to be my girlfriend and even though she told me what happened, I don’t know if I’m surprised that my GM would even attempt such a thing if he knew we were together, or if I am angry and hostile because I later found out he absolutely knew. I can tell you with absolute confidence, it went the way of the latter scenario.

Trying to play my gf against me, was a tough pill to swallow. but it paled in comparison to the sudden change of address I had to endure, the $1500 in savings I spent on hotel rooms, storage units and gas driving back and forth for the last fortnight, and the utter shock and awe at the realization that I have only been here less than two years, and I’ve amassed enough shit to fill a ten foot by fifteen foot storage unit, three quarters of the way.

So to recap, I used to loathe September until I was 18, I own a lot of possessions, I need to find a second job, and I have nowhere to call home in 14 days. This is my life, and it is getting complicated just a little bit more each day I wake up, which leads me to the theory that maybe if I slept all the way till October 1st, this nightmare would end. But it won’t, because I can’t sleep that long, and I never liked hiding from my problems. If anything, I’d rather face them head on.

But it’s tricky. Not like the RUN DMC song either. It’s tricky to balance a job that under appreciates me, a landlord who has a wild imagination and too much time on his hands, and a relationship that I cherish and adore and don’t wish to see affected by the prior two conundrums. But, it has been, and to be honest, I’ve handled it better than I thought. That is to say, we’ve handled it better, and it’s still not over yet.

Life is somehow forcing my hand, and tugging at my wrists as it pulls me in a direction I’d rather not go, but something is telling me, it’s gonna be ok. Something is telling me to just let it all go, and something is telling me I’ve been here before. I just don’t have the patience for another train wreck, but between the flashbacks from Motel 6, and the last official stay in a Roadway Inn, if this is weathering the storm, then bring on the thunder and the rain because I can handle it. I’m a survivor. I survived jail, the death of my cat and my Mom, Anger, depression, death, and abandonment and two stints in the Garden State which I inevitably escaped from….twice. I think I can handle a part time job and looking for a place to live, but man….I was getting so comfortable until September began.

And that is what I keep telling myself. And it’s this very truth that I must believe to keep me balanced in this bi-polar world I live in. It’s all or nothing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some sleep to catch up on.

The Other Side

Two years ago I took a picture of the sign for highway 101 here in Rohnert Park California. I remember remarking to myself how it has been so fucking long since I saw that sign, and then a feeling if comfort and familiarity swallowed me in for what felt like the ride of my life.

Tonight I sit on the other side of that sign, on a raised concrete slab on which another building or motel pool could have been. Or maybe, its just a stage.

Outside near the lobby, a soda machine calls me at 4: 30 in the morning, and then doesnt have the decency to take credit cards. So I remember a handful of quarters is in my car and I grab 6 cause how could a soda cost more than $1.50?!?

I found out it takes ten quarters to buy that soda after I lost two on accident. That fucking machine mocks me like my bar manager is trying to do unsuccessfully, but the soda machine is winning.

I have more money somewhere, I think to myself and as I grab whatever coins and dollars I had clipped to my cards, I return to the hallway, go into my pocket, and scatter everything on the floor.

Fuck
My
Life

And then, something catches my eye. Its gold. Clipped to my credit card is a ten and a one dollar bill. There are two quarters and a dime laying two feet away from a $1 Sacajawea coin.

I’m sorry, but where the fuck did she come from? I don’t remember getting a dollar coin to change a day but I guess I did and I guess I have exactly $2.50 at that moment that’s exactly what I had. Its ironic because it feels like someone is looking out for me.

Im headed into a difficult and tumultuous time right now in two major parts of my life., work and home. These radical changes are happening regardless of what I want, and I can’t do anything about it.

One change was overdue, the other one…might also be. Its too early to tell so its a wait and see for me. And what I see on the other side of the coin is that I will always be ok. All ways

When I needed there to be a car for me to buy to get to my new job back in December of 21, it appeared and then I took this picture.

When I started seeing the signs of fatigue and weathering on my face, I knew I had to take a break and I knew that would cause a fucked up mess that Im in now.

When I read a text from my landlord last night, my first inclination was to never respond, get my shit out, and figure out the next move. I hate moving again but maybe this time it means a little more.

You would think everything was falling apart, but I was wrong, the instant I saw her face, and I knew that it didn’t matter if my work was trying to fuck me, or if my home life has to be adjusted a fourth time, I planned for this by having her be here to remind me that it will get better, and that for the first time in awhile, I dont have to got through it alone.

I have been down this road before, but never at the same time, but the move now is to move out and move on. Life will always tell me when its time to go, and it will show me the other side of my life, the life I’ve always wanted and now I can appreciate it, even when everything else falls to shit.

Action and Actions

There’s something off about today. I went to bed with all the confidence in the world but no idea what I was going to do with it. I made a decision to simplify my life and that decision complicated someone else’s life. Of course they are just guinea pigs but they deserve better than what I can give them.

And simultaneously I am sending emails to corporate HR which I don’t want to do but I feel is the only way to get what I want. And what I want is to get back what was rightfully mine. I don’t know if I have to go through this to keep myself entertained or maybe there is a higher purpose for me to be where I’m at but I can tell you right now that no matter how high of a position I might climb to, I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to stand up once I get there.

I got these animals because I felt I was mature enough to be able to have a pet and to be able to be responsible to take care of them which I did in glorious fashion and fed them organic lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, peppers watermelon and pampered the hell out of those things and all I got in return was squeaks and two guinea pigs always running away and hiding.

Then two weeks later I took a major risk. One that I said I would never do but one that at the time seemed more possible then it ever had before. And also at some point I just couldn’t fight it.

I have never been pursued before in my life but I got to tell you, the longer I waited the better it has become. I have somebody in my life that loves me for who I am regardless of what my past may say or if my tone gets slightly frustrated when when the world starts becoming too much for me. She’s there to talk me off the ledge she’s there to trying to find my crazy, she’s there to talk to me and bring me back to earth.

I started off this journey almost 20 months ago and everything I owned fit into a suitcase and a messenger bag both of which I don’t own anymore, but I have certainly made up for the things that I didn’t have by now collecting too much stuff that I find myself getting rid of things more often than not.

I feel genuinely bad because I’ve never surrendered an animal but I knew it was the right thing to do just like I knew it was the right thing to be with her even though I was jaded and celibate and my mind kept telling me not to.

I don’t know how but I think I found the right formula for being me and getting what I want. And in the process I might’ve made some mistakes and I might’ve said some things I shouldn’t but I know this; Every mistake that I made, I couldn’t of made without you.

But I promise I’m never gonna make them again.