blah, blah, blah.

I thought about something really profound today.  I want to tell you so bad, but I can’t really put it into words. It’s like being happy and sad, regretfully proud and believing in the most truth based conspiracy theory ever.

I’ve felt like that a lot the last few months, especially when I was living in four different parts of the United States since June.  I drove 1100 miles in 21 hours, and I know that doesn’t sound very impressive, but almost six of those hours I spent waiting at Goodyear for my car to get four new tires.  Then less than thirty days later, I drove another 3200 miles by myself cross country and paid for almost everything with cash.

Fact.  I have not worked a real bonafide job since May 13th, and if I can be ultra candid, those last two weeks at my bar job I barely even “worked.”   I went to smoke a cigarette during a shift around 8:30pm and I never came back.  Who the fuck do I think I am?

Apparently, I’m someone who defies the rules of conventional thinking and bridges the gap between the brain cells and stars in my mind, and that reminds me of a song I’ve been listening to for a week.  this galaxy in my mind

Sometimes it becomes even more difficult than normal for me to understand what I know and even more of a debacle to explain it to anyone.  And I don’t know why, but I’m drifting away from you.

I’ve been kind of a baller lately, and by that I mean I cried like a bitch in May, June, and July.  In some ways I was a baller cause I made enough money to finance this $5000 move back home but it other ways I teared up when I saw the sunrise while crossing the border from California to Arizona.  Here’s the proof

0727170509c.jpg I know what you’re thinking….he can’t possibly cry and drive a car while taking a picture of the sun coming up, but you’re wrong because as I found out, I am able to do a lot of different things at once, even though I recently lost my wallet in my apartment tonight for a few hours.

Twice.

I swear to God I don’t know what I’m going to do with 1150 square feet of space but the good news is the walls are starting to come alive with the memories I’ve made in the past and those are the things that will inspire me in the future.

I’m numb from blocking out the pain, drenched from the tears I’ve been holding in since somewhere outside of Phoenix. and I need money so bad that I took the first and only job that I was offered,  even though a part of me loathes the fact that I have to.

My friends and family tell me it’s the logical choice, and that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do, and whatever other euphemisms that apply to my situation that they can throw my way. I do appreciate it, and I am listening with one ear, but right now all I can hear is blah, blah, blah.

 

Waiting a Long Time to Fall Down

I’ve been holding it in all summer long. With every day that goes by I think to myself something will eventually break and I can be what I used to know as happy again if only for a moment. Coincidentally with every day I wake up I think to myself maybe it will be cooler today and I won’t have to on the air conditioning at 10am. Then yesterday, the Summer was officially over, and something miraculous happened. I fell down.

On to the floor of my kitchen I slid which hasn’t been cleaned since the Spring. I sat there trying to hold back my emotions while taking a drag of my cigarette thinking in some way that it will make it easier for me to deal with the fact that I am crying my eyes out at 3pm on a Wednesday because of some trigger I planted in my brain years ago. My heavy heart was sinking my proverbial ship, and there I sat on the linoleum floor trying not to take deep breaths with tears running down my face, breaking down the static in my head as Counting Crows played in the background.

It doesn’t get much worse than this.

Ironically, that was the thought that was coming into my head just at the same time that those were the lyrics coming out of my speakers. Coincidence? Probably not. I know better.

But, if I knew better then why am I laying on the ground feeling all the pent up emotions that I have pushed away for three months while I try to decide if it’s going to hurt too much to stand up and get a paper towel to dry my eyes? Why do I keep putting myself in harms way and expect things to get better when the past has taught me that they won’t? And why does this incessant heat wave always seem to coincide with how I’m feeling? I’m trapped inside my apartment and I have never wanted it to be 60 degrees and raining more than I did yesterday.

I felt lost and alone because I don’t know what to do with my life anymore and everyone seems to go away. I felt empty and tired because I hadn’t eaten much since Sunday and I hadn’t slept much either. I felt battered and emotionally beaten because I had been my own worst enemy for far too long these past three months. I had been praying for weeks and asking for an answer to come, and apparently as it turns out, I had been waiting a long time only to fall down.

Maybe that’s what I needed. Maybe I needed another mental breakdown to happen on the floor of my kitchen because that’s where I learn the most about myself. Maybe it will get better from here because as far as I can see through my own fears, this is pretty much the saddest, most pathetic 45 minutes I’ve ever spent in my own body which was now slouched against the refrigerator staring at my kitchen cabinets which need to be painted.

I was texting my only friend who would listen things like “I don’t want to live like this anymore.” & “It’s been harder on me than I’ve let on” and I think I do that because it’s the absolute truth and I hope it will set me free, and I do it so I don’t feel like I’m going through this alone even though my cat wouldn’t even come close to me as I called out to her in between my gasping for air.

These are the moments that I don’t want anyone to know about. These are the moments when I eventually look back and say that was when my life changed forever, and these are the moments when I want to keep things to myself, but everything in my brain is telling me the only way to get through this time is to stop hiding behind your pride, be honest with yourself, get the fuck up off the ground, and write about it.

So here we are.

listening to: