blah, blah, blah.

I thought about something really profound today.  I want to tell you so bad, but I can’t really put it into words. It’s like being happy and sad, regretfully proud and believing in the most truth based conspiracy theory ever.

I’ve felt like that a lot the last few months, especially when I was living in four different parts of the United States since June.  I drove 1100 miles in 21 hours, and I know that doesn’t sound very impressive, but almost six of those hours I spent waiting at Goodyear for my car to get four new tires.  Then less than thirty days later, I drove another 3200 miles by myself cross country and paid for almost everything with cash.

Fact.  I have not worked a real bonafide job since May 13th, and if I can be ultra candid, those last two weeks at my bar job I barely even “worked.”   I went to smoke a cigarette during a shift around 8:30pm and I never came back.  Who the fuck do I think I am?

Apparently, I’m someone who defies the rules of conventional thinking and bridges the gap between the brain cells and stars in my mind, and that reminds me of a song I’ve been listening to for a week.  this galaxy in my mind

Sometimes it becomes even more difficult than normal for me to understand what I know and even more of a debacle to explain it to anyone.  And I don’t know why, but I’m drifting away from you.

I’ve been kind of a baller lately, and by that I mean I cried like a bitch in May, June, and July.  In some ways I was a baller cause I made enough money to finance this $5000 move back home but it other ways I teared up when I saw the sunrise while crossing the border from California to Arizona.  Here’s the proof

0727170509c.jpg I know what you’re thinking….he can’t possibly cry and drive a car while taking a picture of the sun coming up, but you’re wrong because as I found out, I am able to do a lot of different things at once, even though I recently lost my wallet in my apartment tonight for a few hours.

Twice.

I swear to God I don’t know what I’m going to do with 1150 square feet of space but the good news is the walls are starting to come alive with the memories I’ve made in the past and those are the things that will inspire me in the future.

I’m numb from blocking out the pain, drenched from the tears I’ve been holding in since somewhere outside of Phoenix. and I need money so bad that I took the first and only job that I was offered,  even though a part of me loathes the fact that I have to.

My friends and family tell me it’s the logical choice, and that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do, and whatever other euphemisms that apply to my situation that they can throw my way. I do appreciate it, and I am listening with one ear, but right now all I can hear is blah, blah, blah.

 

Random Thoughts at Newark Liberty Airport

I have flown in an out of the same airport three times in the last year, once for business, once for pleasure, and once because I felt like it was time to come home. I have probably drank about one thousand two hundred and seventy seven cups of coffee in 2015, and only one of those times did it come from fucking Starbucks. I’ve made over ten thousand alcoholic drinks for other people in the past year, and I have probably poured about three hundred of them myself, give or take a hundred.

I took a shot at running down a dream that took me to a place where everyone said it was going to happen, but after thirteen years I took the initiative and chose to make a new dream happen by taking myself out of that place. I have spent a good amount of cash on music that I have listened to over and over again and I don’t feel like that will ever be a waste of money because it inspires me and it keeps me going, and it makes for a great soundtrack to my life.

I have loved and I have lost, but I would never trade the experience or the heartbreak just so I could say I never got hurt. I somehow packed twelve days of clothes into a suitcase made for about ten, but only remembered to pack eleven pairs of underwear. I have given up on the idea of controlling everything around me because over the course of the last week I have realized that that shit doesn’t work for me, and I like having an element of surprise in my life.

I have observed so many random acts of self-less-ness over the past two weeks that I am starting to believe in the honesty and the kindness of the human spirit again…. However, the one thing that is going through my mind is the fact that I am about to embark on a 2,447 mile journey from a place I love, to a place that I used to love, and within a few weeks I will be traveling again to a place that I will learn to love again.

I can’t wait.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a plane to catch.