Let’s Start With a Bang

Lately, I’ve been singing to myself…
I  d o n’t  w a n n a   be here no  more.”

October is over, a month that made me wax and wain with a purpose. A purpose I’m still trying to figure out as there is a goofy sideshow election going on that perfectly represents what this country, like myself have become. Divided.

I’m divided in half like a bi-polar nightmare and I don’t know if I keep challenging myself to see how far I can go, or if I keep making the same mistakes because I know it’s a challenge I can win. I started with a bang seven months ago and blew up my world by moving to a city I haven’t lived in since fucking George W. Bush stole the election in 2000.

I got a job that pays me well, and pays me benefits. I found a great apartment, some cool friends and a pretty girl and I loved that I loved everything in my life until it all stopped reciprocating that love to me right before the short lived summer of Seattle, 2016.

It makes me wonder… was it really love at all?

Maybe it was infatuation that changed my world and turned me upside down. Maybe it was the start of something new, and the journey to get to the destination that once I got to, I subtly started questioning if I really wanted to be there. It was obvious by my actions, so naturally those actions have caused me to question the reaction I’ve been having to my troubled, self inflicted life. Maybe I don’t know what I want, and maybe that’s ok.

What if instead of living a bi-polar life, I am living a world of multiplicity as I’m pushed and pulled into half a dozen different scenarios in my mind. Jesus Christ was NOT perfect, and neither am I, but I don’t think it’s wrong to be a saint and sinner simultaneously, just like him.

I came back to the west coast last week with the option to leave early, but since those first  72 hours have past me by, I’m starting to think that maybe I need to slow my roll and give it a chance. Maybe I need to stop trying to blow up my life and start trying to piece it together through finding out what I want, a little bit at a time through observation, and the patience to see it through to the end, or the beginning depending on how I look at it.

After all, I spent 13 years in that God awful place they call L.A. and I didn’t sell my soul for anything less than a million dollars of my own self worth that comes in the form of credit card which I don’t really care about anymore. It’s not real, it doesn’t really matter, and really the only thing that I can do is take a deep breath, maybe get a little artificial sunlight and go out there and live my life and discover what it is that comes next. I got to admit, It’s kind of exciting that I can still be this much of a free spirit in the summertime of my life.

For awhile I’ve been singing to myself
I  d o n’t  w a n n a   be  h e re  no  more”

…but I’ve been flowing like a samurai and stinging like a butterfly. Now I don’t feel the need to blow up my life again, but I do love the excitement, so for better or worse, let’s start with a bang.

 

 

The Question Answers the Question

In honor of throwback Thursday, here is a little post from over 9 years ago.  I started blogging on MySpace back in 2004, and every now and then I re-read some of the things I wrote and I try to figure out how that work applies to me today.  It was clear to me after reading this that I was in some sort of love/infatuation triangle.  These three women had been coming in and out of my life at different times since 1997.   In some ways they still are, if it’s as a memory, a phone call, or a rumor I hear through the grapevine. But just like I wrote in the blog, I don’t expect anything, I wait for no one, and ultimately I go my own way.  (and yes, that is a legitimate photo of me from 2007, beard and all)

Originally posted on MySpace.com/*starduster   

January 10th, 2007

I always believe that I will find out the reasons why something happened when I’m ready to hear it. Sometimes years go by and you think you’re ready every second that passes without hearing a single thing, but if I truly was prepared for the information, it would be here by now. Recently I have had to let go of some questions that were not being answered. It’s a hard thing to do & I would love to know why this happened, but life somehow has a way of timing every thing so perfectly.

So perfectly that when one handful of questions go unanswered, I now find out the answers to other questions like whatever happened to Seattle… three and a half years since I lost contact with her. For the time being I’m taking what’s on my plate one bite at a time even though I’m not sure what it is I’m looking at again. There’s this girl that once existed in my mind and recently she has had a change of heart. There’s another girl that exists in my body and I haven’t heard from her in months. I don’t know when I will see her again, but I’m sure it will happen someday. And then there’s the girl that lives in my spirit and she knows how to see right through to me, and she knows how to get my attention after three and a half years of remaining incognito.

There’s something about the way I walk down the street now that even I notice is different about me. There’s an air of positivity and confidence that along with a million other attributes helps to make up my aura that you can see from across the street on a cloudy day in L.A., or a rainy Thursday morning in the Pacific Northwest. I’d hope that my light can be seen to the shores of Jersey and perhaps as inland as Ohio but I’m not able to find that out right now, so I go with what I know and I let life show me the path I choose to take. I wait for nothing, and I don’t stop for any one because I’ve lifted my anchor for real this time and I’m out to see about a past destiny I almost forgot was ever an option again, until now.

Through it all, I’m sure I’ll have questions answered and new insights spring up.  I’m not sure what to expect anymore so I don’t expect anything, but if I know my life well enough it won’t let me forget what’s meant to happen, and it will never lead me any place I don’t want to be.  And right now, that’s right here, when this is right in front of me for the first time in awhile.  So I go my own way.