blah, blah, blah.

I thought about something really profound today.  I want to tell you so bad, but I can’t really put it into words. It’s like being happy and sad, regretfully proud and believing in the most truth based conspiracy theory ever.

I’ve felt like that a lot the last few months, especially when I was living in four different parts of the United States since June.  I drove 1100 miles in 21 hours, and I know that doesn’t sound very impressive, but almost six of those hours I spent waiting at Goodyear for my car to get four new tires.  Then less than thirty days later, I drove another 3200 miles by myself cross country and paid for almost everything with cash.

Fact.  I have not worked a real bonafide job since May 13th, and if I can be ultra candid, those last two weeks at my bar job I barely even “worked.”   I went to smoke a cigarette during a shift around 8:30pm and I never came back.  Who the fuck do I think I am?

Apparently, I’m someone who defies the rules of conventional thinking and bridges the gap between the brain cells and stars in my mind, and that reminds me of a song I’ve been listening to for a week.  this galaxy in my mind

Sometimes it becomes even more difficult than normal for me to understand what I know and even more of a debacle to explain it to anyone.  And I don’t know why, but I’m drifting away from you.

I’ve been kind of a baller lately, and by that I mean I cried like a bitch in May, June, and July.  In some ways I was a baller cause I made enough money to finance this $5000 move back home but it other ways I teared up when I saw the sunrise while crossing the border from California to Arizona.  Here’s the proof

0727170509c.jpg I know what you’re thinking….he can’t possibly cry and drive a car while taking a picture of the sun coming up, but you’re wrong because as I found out, I am able to do a lot of different things at once, even though I recently lost my wallet in my apartment tonight for a few hours.

Twice.

I swear to God I don’t know what I’m going to do with 1150 square feet of space but the good news is the walls are starting to come alive with the memories I’ve made in the past and those are the things that will inspire me in the future.

I’m numb from blocking out the pain, drenched from the tears I’ve been holding in since somewhere outside of Phoenix. and I need money so bad that I took the first and only job that I was offered,  even though a part of me loathes the fact that I have to.

My friends and family tell me it’s the logical choice, and that sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do, and whatever other euphemisms that apply to my situation that they can throw my way. I do appreciate it, and I am listening with one ear, but right now all I can hear is blah, blah, blah.

 

I Always Get What I Want

They say:

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.

I’m not a huge Rolling Stones fan, however even though I understand that philosophy, I politely disagree. In some ways, I always get what I want, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

We have this suspended belief in life that it is somehow a selfish act to want something, then go out and get it. Personally I don’t see how this is a bad thing at all, unless you are royally fucking someone over in the process of getting it,  and I don’t mean like making plans and then breaking them to do something else, I mean it’s a bad thing if you pull a 2008 housing market crash to get what you want. Wanting more money isn’t inherently a bad thing, but if the act of getting it hurts someone else in the long run, to me that is inexcusable. It’s not money that is the root of all evil, it’s greed.

I consider myself a honorable friend and a good person. In no way will I deliberately fuck over someone for personal gain. How do I know this? Because I’ve done it in the past and I didn’t like myself afterwards and I promised myself I’d never do it again. I was a shitty person for awhile when I was younger and even though I tried to cover it up or make excuses for those selfish actions, the truth always comes out in the end. Sometimes in an inconvenient way.

I’ve had rifts with my lifelong friends that I never want to go through again, and each day since, I try my hardest to avoid those perils in my life.

I’m honest, but I’m not transparent. I’m supportive, but I’ll always speak my mind if I disagree, and even though part of my job is to bullshit with people, I’m not a liar and I’ll always say what I mean because the world needs to hear it.

I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character, but my experiences this last year living in Seattle has left me with the notion that when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes I let shitty people into my life, but not anymore. I want people who are honest and who are trustworthy and who understand that it’s not always important to be right, as it is to be fair. And like I said before, I always get what I want.

I have always lived my life for me, and in some ways I have always gotten what I wanted, although it never happen exactly the way I planned, or it’s never precisely what I expected. I think that’s alright as long as I realize that my wants must be genuine, and my actions to get them must be honest and commendable. If that’s the case, then I don’t see anything wrong with the idea of putting yourself first to get anything in life, especially if it helps someone else.

Maybe the Rolling Stones were on to something with that song, but I feel like the lyrics need to be tweaked just a bit to fit into my personal experiences. Perhaps it’s like this….

“You can’t always get what you want, but you will always get what you deserve.”

As someone who has proof of that concept, I like those lyrics a lot better.

The Love & The Hate

Is it possible to love something so much but go through fleeting moments of hating it too? Like for example, I love my life, but I hate the fact that I’ve been so complacent about it recently. It’s like I know I can do better than working at a bar and writing an interesting blog, yet although I’m glad I’m writing again, I hate the fact that I am writing this blog about how I’ve resigned to feeling nonchalant about my life.

I got to be honest, I haven’t given it 110% in the writing part because all summer I worked like 40 hours a week at a hip (or sometimes very UN-hip) rooftop hotel high volume bar, and I’m 40 years old and been doing this for 16 years so in my eyes, 40 plus 40 plus 16 equals tired as fuck on your days off, and all I remember doing was drinking, eating and watching TV.  Thank God it was an Olympic year.

I was physically and mentally exhausted, but now I know that the physical demands of my job are slowing down as the bar does in the fall and winter, and my mental problems have gone away on a vacation for awhile. With this new found level of calm, my goal must be to kick the complacency, try something new, let go of the issues I had this summer, and not allow them to come back.

No more hate.  I want to fall in love with my life again.

On the other hand, I can love and hate things outside of my life to fill that void of feeling the desire to love and hate things.  For example I hate Nicki Minaj, but I LOVE this commercial she is in, and I also simultaneously hate the fact that I love it.

There’s something about her that annoys the shit out of me,  but maybe it’s because of the way she is portrayed in the media.  Plus, I know everyone raves about her ass, but  I think her butt is just not that attractive.  It’s too big for me anyway.   I don’t know.  I’m trying not to objectify and make light of her, but come on…it IS a little obscene don’t you think?

But wait. Before you judge me, here’s the point of me bringing up her ass and how it perfectly reflects my life right now.

MY ass has gotten too big from not doing anything constructive on my days off.  I mean figuratively, because my butt isn’t actually larger or anything like that.  In fact I’ve actually lost ten pounds this summer, so I can’t really complain, but what I’m getting at is although I have been ecstatic about cruising through my life and having the means to do extravagant things with extraordinary people, I hate how complacent I have become and how I have spent my free time not learning anything new, with the exception of how to relate the size of a pop star’s derriere to my current state of life affairs.

The bright side is through all the love and the hate I have learned how to protect my heart and I learned how to be alone, and now I have the understanding and mental capacity it takes to be ok with BEING alone for right now.  I suppose those are two important things to remember how to do, even if I’ve tried to do them before and failed like a champ. I think I’m ready to stop hating the down cycle, and start living for the upswing.

So what’s the upswing?

I’m still in debt, and I  need to work five days a week to pay all my bills and get ahead of it, but I think what it comes down to is I’ve been missing that connection with something outside of love and hate. I want the passion back, the passion that comes with admiring who you are and what you do in spite of the fleeting moments of indifference.  Some days I’m really proud of myself, and other days I know I could do better than me.

For now, every time I see that Nicki Minaj commercial, maybe I will have to cause it to remind me to be a little more proactive in my life and stop hating the fact that I have been kind of lackadaisical. But what if it was necessary?  Maybe I needed it. Maybe it was therapeutic.  Maybe it was the next step, like a purging of old ideas but maybe enough is enough and now it served it’s purpose.

I should pat myself on the back for escaping from the drama pretty much unscathed, but not too confidently as to cause me to be cocky. In the most sincere and humbling way possible, I’m ready for the next phase of my life, whatever that is.

I’ll tell you…sometimes I hate trying to figure out my life at 40, but I love the fact that at least I still have a life to figure out.

The 30 Day Playlist (#1-#15)

On August 4th, I started to make a playlist called 1 A Day For 30 Days.  Each day I added one song to the playlist which was determined by something that happened during the day, or a song I heard for the first time, or what music was playing in my dream the night before that stuck in my head.  How I got the idea for this playlist was in the first song itself.

 

#1 Spiderwebs: No Doubt

I literally walked into a spiderweb on August 4th 2016.  Obviously I thought of this song and put it on in my apartment right afterwards.  Then I got this idea to keep going.  Put one song on the playlist each day and see what comes out.

 

#2 Trouble: Cage The Elephant

I was on a Bumble date one night in Capitol Hill with this girl who knew all the same music as me, but when this song came on in the bar, neither one of us knew it.  I Shazammed it at the bar, loved the lyrics immediately, downloaded the song when I got home and put in on the list.  Unfortunately for my date, the next song title would describe how that turned out.

 

#3 You Stay, I Go, No Following: Look Mexico

Thank you for absolutely nothing.  Ok, that’s being harsh, but I like this track because it reminds me of being a working man like I was this summer, and busting my ass for minimum wage…plus tips.   Anyway, I’m sure this might have a double meaning since some of these lyrics remind me of a girl I used to date, but then again, don’t they all?

#4 Hands Down: Dashboard Confessional

I still don’t think this song belongs on the playlist because it wasn’t me who put it on, it was the Bumble date girl.  The lyrics say “Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.” which is shocking to me.  I don’t know why she chose this one.  I told her I wanted to stop seeing her later that night.  Oops.

 

#5 Hello: Martin Solveig


“You’re alright but I’m here darling to enjoy the party  Don’t get too excited ‘cus that’s all you get from me”

That pretty much summed up how I felt about the girl I just stopped seeing.  When am I going to learn how silly dating apps are?

#6 Welcome to the Black Parade: My Chemical Romance

It was almost 90 degrees in Seattle this day.  It felt like summer, and what better than to put a track on the playlist that has the word summer in it.  Plus, I was learning to carry on in my life without the presence of someone else in it.  I’m not going too deep on this one cause it’s in the past now, but I learned my lesson, dodged a bullet, and carried on.

 

#7 Titanium: Colin McLoughlin

This is one of the best covers I have ever heard.  I especially like it cause it’s gender reversal with the vocals.  I like both versions of this song, but when I woke up this morning and saw this under new track in the iTunes store, I couldn’t help myself.  I also had been putting up these inspirational quotes behind the bar when I work to keep me going.  Obviously today’s was “Shoot Me Down, but I won’t fall. I am titanium.”

 

#8 Read My Mind: The Killers

“Put your back on me”  I relate the words that Brandon Flowers writes.  I connect to them so I guess that’s why The Killers are one of my all time favorite bands, at least I still regularly listen to the first three or four albums.  Some people hate the Killers and as much as I don’t get it, I respect their opinion to think that way.  I certainly understand that certain bands can be polarizing.  For example, I hate The Doors and I think the Beatles are overrated.  There, I said it.

#9 Louder, Harder, Better: Galantis

Sometimes whole genres of music can be polarizing.  Take EDM for example.  I really enjoy listening to it and I have for like 17 years now since I took my first hit of ecstasy.  Some people don’t get it, others do, but my guess is that people who don’t get it have never taken drugs before…. and there’s nothing really wrong with that.  EDM is like the psychedelic music movement of the 60, but with way more beats per minute.  I know it’s not really like that, but no one who reads this blog remembers the 60s anyway, so how would they know?

This song made it on the playlist because it was the day I realized my life in Seattle was pretty good.  As good as it has been before, and maybe I need to start living it like that.

 

#10 Bring Back The Summer:  Rain Man

More EDM!!  This is a song you can listen to in March when it’s raining because it reminds you that the summer is coming, and you can listen to it in September when it’s chilly because it reminds you of the summer that just past.  I think that’s cool that a song  can remind you of more than one summer in the same song.  I’ve have some pretty lame summers recently though so I prefer the fall, but Rain Man hasn’t come out with that track yet. Still, I have been listening to this song all summer long and it just HAD to make it on the list.

 

#11 Style: Taylor Swift

I was driving to the QFC playing with the radio and this cool beat came on.  I really liked that it sounded like an 80s song but I had never heard it before.  I broke out my phone and Shazammed  it and T.S. came up.  I started laughing my ass off.  Before my ex and I went public I had her name in my phone as “Taylor Swift 1989” cause they were born the same year and I was trying to be discreet in case people at work saw my phone. Of course it’s her.  But regardless, the lyrics are cute and even though not many people do, I still like Taylor Swift.  She’s a good artist.  If you disagree, please tell me why in the comment section.  I’d like to get into this debate.

 

#12 Iris: Goo Goo Dolls

This was the next song I turned to on the radio that night after I got my food from the grocery store.  I have sang karaoke twice in my whole life.  The first time I sang Counting Crows, Omaha.  The second time I sang this song.  I guess I have an affinity for sappy 90s music,  but the lyrics here are so fucking good.  Reminds me of being in love, then breaking up, but being ok with it finally.  Also remind me of being drunk at a bar back in L.A. singing this song as my voice cracked three or four times.

 

#13 Crash 2.0: Adventure Club

Another song that reminds me of my ex.  I gotta stop doing this, but I honestly felt while I was in that relationship that being with this girl was like a drug for me, and when we broke up a couple months later I fucking crashed…back down to earth.  That’s a story within a story.  Maybe I’ll tell that one later.

#14: Migraine: TwentyOne Pilots

I went out with that Bumble chick one night and she stayed over my place.  I tried making out with her, but it just wasn’t working for me.  THEN I get this horrendous migraine headache when I roll over and go to sleep.  My BFF told me that it was my body trying to tell my mind not to hook up wit this chick.  I think she was right.  When I woke up with a headache this morning it reminded me of that night.  Great song, but I can do without the headaches in the morning now.

#15 Unsteady: X Ambassadors (Justin Caruso remix)

I was on another date and after the girl and I went to my car to smoke a cigarette, she started playing music.  I rarely let people play music in my car, but this girl was interesting, a lawyer, and she kind of had really great taste in music.  A lot of the bands she played me I had never heard before, and I really enjoyed this one so I put it on the list.

 

#16-#30 coming next week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Midnight (Drive)

When I was younger and lived in New Jersey, I used to go on late night drives by myself around town. I would start out at point A and blast my music for the duration of the calculated loop I made around the city as I tried to clear my mind by speeding on the empty highways and letting the midnight wind blow through the open windows and sunroof in my car. It used to center me and it used to help me deal with what ever stress I had been feeling that week.

I loved taking those drives. There was never anyone on the road except for me, my car, and the occasional random vehicle or copper I would pass in the night.

As I got older, these late night drives stopped happening as much due to the fact that by the time I was 27 I was living in Los Angeles and regardless of where I was at midnight or 1 am, there was always traffic, not to mention I was reluctant to drive anywhere for fear of losing my parking spot. I remember taking one trip around the city looping around the City of Angels via the 101, to the 405, to the 110, and back to the 101. It was the most stressful forty five minutes of my life and had the complete opposite of a calming affect on me and my psyche.

Motorcycles passed me at a high rate of speed on either side of my car drowning out the tunes on my radio and making it almost impossible for me to enjoy the ride, and due to the overwhelming population of the city, there was almost never a place to go where it didn’t seem like everyone else was driving too as well. I thought to myself it was ok though because at least I had made it out of New Jersey and I was doing something with my life. 10 years have past since that night, and come to think of it, that was the last time I took one of those late night drives by myself.

Last night I got home kind of early from my second job, went upstairs to sit on the couch and sometime around midnight I decided to go for a drive. I guess for years I didn’t think about how driving in my car alone listening to music actually helped to calm me down and made me feel stress free, even if it was for only a fleeting moment. I put on a song I love to hear when I am driving, I sang along to the lyrics, and I drove up and down the hills of my North Seattle neighborhood heading down Rooosevelt and ending up at the QFC to pick up some coffee and some gummi life savers.

I started singing along to the lyrics of the song playing in my Prelude.

“I’ve been asleep in the drivers seat. I’ve been lost in my head for weeks. Trying to find what it is I need. Too goddamn tired to sleep.’

I had this flashback to when I was driving around in my late teens/early twenties and there was nothing that could get in my way. It made me smile. It was the perfect retro moment that was topped off by the perfect driving song by a band called The Midnight. I could actually enjoy being in my car and accelerating up to fifty miles an hour with no one else on the road even though I knew the speed limit was half that. I could drive till the coast was clear, or at least until that part of my brain felt less clouded. It just made me feel so much better.

I haven’t been very stressed out lately which I am happy to report, but I’ve been tired as fuck and restless at night, even though most of the time I can fall asleep within half an hour of getting home. There is a part of me that understands why I’ve been working a lot and how my routine of going from one job to the other has kind of burned me out, but it has made me more appreciative of these moments in life. It’s not that I couldn’t do it when I lived in L.A., but I was always felt so irresponsible out about wasting gas, or getting into an accident, and these were NEVER things I thought of back when I lived in Jersey when I tried to drive my problems away. I think I truly missed that part of my life and I’m so glad it is back for good.

Sometimes the only cure for the late April blues is to get into my car, put on some really good music and drive aimlessly. It’s probably the only time in my life when I don’t mind not knowing where I am going because I know where I’ve been, and I know where I am, and of course, I know the road I’m on will always take me back home.

Making Friends (with Lagwagon)

I went and saw a band last night that I have seen about a dozen times since 1995.  However this time, twenty years had gone by since I first heard this song live. They just never play it, until last night.  Of course it resonated with me again and I woke up and played it about ten times already. I could elaborate about what it means to me, but when it comes down to it,  some things just never get old, even though you get older.   These are the lyrics which I can’t take credit for.

Making Friends

As you’re in this, search for something to hate
I can feel you rally around someone with your peers
But can you stand alone?
Can you take the long way home?

‘Cause I stood in the circle a hundred times before
And I feel safer in the eye of the storm
You can throw your stones
I’ll only bleed for you for one day

They all answer to the hearsay
but they will only care for one day
It’s so small, it’s so small
And I would love to show you all

I can see you in the middle of a doubt
You told them we had a falling out
Sick your dogs on me as you take the easy way out
So I will be a freak show when the circus comes to town
And I will rain on your parade without a sound
Then we will draw a crowd that’s only breaking down for one day

I graduate this class with honor
And I will never fail drama

-Lagwagon

One More Possibility Day

I love music. I love how it makes me feel and I love when I hear a sad song for the first time  but it creates a happy moment in my life that I will remember forever.

I saw Counting Crows play this track last week in concert, and since then I’ve listened to it every day there after.  Maybe the lyrics are a little depressing, but at least that resonates with me cause I know I’m not alone.  Sometimes, that’s all I need to get by.

“And the worst part of a good day is knowing it’s slipping away.

That’s one more possibility day that is gone.”

                                                         -CC