Let’s Start With a Bang

Lately, I’ve been singing to myself…
I  d o n’t  w a n n a   be here no  more.”

October is over, a month that made me wax and wain with a purpose. A purpose I’m still trying to figure out as there is a goofy sideshow election going on that perfectly represents what this country, like myself have become. Divided.

I’m divided in half like a bi-polar nightmare and I don’t know if I keep challenging myself to see how far I can go, or if I keep making the same mistakes because I know it’s a challenge I can win. I started with a bang seven months ago and blew up my world by moving to a city I haven’t lived in since fucking George W. Bush stole the election in 2000.

I got a job that pays me well, and pays me benefits. I found a great apartment, some cool friends and a pretty girl and I loved that I loved everything in my life until it all stopped reciprocating that love to me right before the short lived summer of Seattle, 2016.

It makes me wonder… was it really love at all?

Maybe it was infatuation that changed my world and turned me upside down. Maybe it was the start of something new, and the journey to get to the destination that once I got to, I subtly started questioning if I really wanted to be there. It was obvious by my actions, so naturally those actions have caused me to question the reaction I’ve been having to my troubled, self inflicted life. Maybe I don’t know what I want, and maybe that’s ok.

What if instead of living a bi-polar life, I am living a world of multiplicity as I’m pushed and pulled into half a dozen different scenarios in my mind. Jesus Christ was NOT perfect, and neither am I, but I don’t think it’s wrong to be a saint and sinner simultaneously, just like him.

I came back to the west coast last week with the option to leave early, but since those first  72 hours have past me by, I’m starting to think that maybe I need to slow my roll and give it a chance. Maybe I need to stop trying to blow up my life and start trying to piece it together through finding out what I want, a little bit at a time through observation, and the patience to see it through to the end, or the beginning depending on how I look at it.

After all, I spent 13 years in that God awful place they call L.A. and I didn’t sell my soul for anything less than a million dollars of my own self worth that comes in the form of credit card which I don’t really care about anymore. It’s not real, it doesn’t really matter, and really the only thing that I can do is take a deep breath, maybe get a little artificial sunlight and go out there and live my life and discover what it is that comes next. I got to admit, It’s kind of exciting that I can still be this much of a free spirit in the summertime of my life.

For awhile I’ve been singing to myself
I  d o n’t  w a n n a   be  h e re  no  more”

…but I’ve been flowing like a samurai and stinging like a butterfly. Now I don’t feel the need to blow up my life again, but I do love the excitement, so for better or worse, let’s start with a bang.

 

 

Confessions From a New Jersey Park Bench

The truth is… since I posted this blog I shaved off my beard and the bench I’m sitting on isn’t at a park at all. I’m sitting at the outdoor area at my hotel room, but the truth is, I think I like it here.

It reminds me of how something so familiar can help to ground you back to earth like that black wire on a car battery that needs a jump start.

The truth is, I remember that I love being able to know where everything is, and how even though I know there are deer lurking about, I hadn’t seen one for sixteen years until she jumped out in front of my rental car tonight.

The truth is, I enjoy my single Seattle life, I like getting into innocent trouble with millennials, and I look forward to the near future when I might look back on this blog and think it was all in my head, but the truth is, I know it’s not.

It’s just like that song I used to sing or that phrase I always hear about how much greener the grass is on the other side of the coin, the choices I make in my life, or the option to leave early at the end of my shift.

The truth is I’ve been finding out more about myself by simply stopping the action of “trying” to find out more about myself.

I may be living somewhere else physically and dwelling somewhere else mentally, but this southern suburban sprawl is pulling on my heartstrings and the truth is, that’s not a bad thing at all.