This is the Time

This entry from 9 and a half years ago really stood out this morning for some reason.  I don’t know why, but maybe it’s because I’m in the same position now like I was back then, except I definitely don’t sleep until 5pm.  I must have been on some nice drugs back in 2006 to sleep that late.  It’s interesting to go back and read something from 9 years ago and still relate to 85% of it.    I’ve been mulling over a career change to sales, and I haven’t really decided what to do, then I read the line where I say “I couldn’t hack it as a salesman,” and I think to myself….maybe that’s the answer I sent to myself in the future, from a time in the past where I was wise beyond my years.  Maybe I had a life almanac, like Marty McFly had a Sports Almanac.  Maybe not, but it’s still a fun read to enjoy on this Throwback Thursday.

Originally posted: May 6th, 2006 on:*starduster

You won’t find me trading secrets or buying back anyone’s trust. I’ll never play professional sports unless I invent a game where your rookie year starts at thirty-one. I won’t be available all the time for anyone but myself, and to me that is much more healthy than being everything to anyone.

You won’t find me on any pedestal for too long and you might not want to be there when & if I jump back down to earth. I rarely talk on the phone because I feel it’s impersonal to speak to someone while you’re doing ten other things at once and most of the time when I am on the phone, I’m thinking about all the other things I have to get done.

I’m thinking right now would be a great time to break out of this mindset that has been keeping me in my place. I couldn’t hack it as a salesman, a video store clerk, an office worker or a delivery guy, so I chose to hang out behind a bar and talk to drunk people for six hours at a time.

There are times when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but then I realize that it’s really the late afternoon and I should have gotten up hours before the 5:00 news. I don’t search for people, and I never go out looking for love, but somehow everyone I’m meant to meet shows up in my life practically unannounced. I never plan on anything to happen, so when it does I’m always quietly surprised and somewhat satisfied.

I don’t always know what I want, but I do have an understanding of what I don’t want and that makes it easier for me to get what I deserve. I’m not a prophet, but I can tell you a good story, and I’m rarely a role model unless you consider following your heart good advice.

This is the time when I choose to feel a certain way and stop allowing other people to make me feel anything. I cried for the first time in a year recently, and for the most part, I felt a lot better.

I’m never disappointed with anything in life, because I know I’m the creator of my experience here and at some level, everything that goes around in this world comes back to me at 40, or 50, or 60, or 70 with an amazing story to tell, or just a good blog that keeps me inspired.

self-induced heart attack

It was almost ten years ago when I posted this blog on MySpace and I remember EXACTLY what it is about.  I had a huge panic attack the night before I wrote this.  Maybe it seemed so much more intense because I was high when it happened? I don’t know, I thought I was going to die.  I really did. I was going through a tough time, things were pretty messed up in my life, and of course instead of dying, I woke up the next day.

(Originally posted Friday, December 09, 2005)*starduster

I’ve read somewhere that our mind is so powerful that in optimum conditions we could create a self-induced heart attack. We could literally convince ourselves that we were going to die and then systematically create a blueprint for that exact fate to have happen. I’ll be the first one to admit that sometimes my mind gets a little out of control as I find myself dwelling on subjects and waves of thought that could be considered taboo or self defeating. In a slight way, I found myself in a mental state of shock and depression this week. I went psychologically crazy and I’ll admit that it was a struggle for me just to stay alive in the moment.

I started thinking about how I wasn’t ready for this to happen to me, and how humiliated I would have been if after I passed my mom came out to California to claim my things and sort through my belongings only to find embarrassing images and videos littering my apartment and my computer.

I entertained the thought that perhaps I had been careless with my life up until this point and I had wasted my talents on physical gratification that has now turned into numbing habit. This isn’t the life I wanted to lead anymore, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw someone who had an awakening at the exact moment in life when it would benefit him to the fullest.

I saw myself getting rid of the major opinions that don’t agree with me anymore, and I watched as I shed my skin one more time this year to make room for all the good things that are headed my way next year.

I saw myself getting a grip on the reality I created up until this point, and believing in myself one more time and bargaining with the powers that be in exchange for one more opportunity to turn this self-induced heart attack into another chance to right the wrong.

I saw myself in the mirror the next morning, terribly tired and a little broken with dark circles around my eyes, but I smiled anyway because at least I was alive to see my reflection one more time….and for that, I’m grateful.