I Always Get What I Want

They say:

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.

I’m not a huge Rolling Stones fan, however even though I understand that philosophy, I politely disagree. In some ways, I always get what I want, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

We have this suspended belief in life that it is somehow a selfish act to want something, then go out and get it. Personally I don’t see how this is a bad thing at all, unless you are royally fucking someone over in the process of getting it,  and I don’t mean like making plans and then breaking them to do something else, I mean it’s a bad thing if you pull a 2008 housing market crash to get what you want. Wanting more money isn’t inherently a bad thing, but if the act of getting it hurts someone else in the long run, to me that is inexcusable. It’s not money that is the root of all evil, it’s greed.

I consider myself a honorable friend and a good person. In no way will I deliberately fuck over someone for personal gain. How do I know this? Because I’ve done it in the past and I didn’t like myself afterwards and I promised myself I’d never do it again. I was a shitty person for awhile when I was younger and even though I tried to cover it up or make excuses for those selfish actions, the truth always comes out in the end. Sometimes in an inconvenient way.

I’ve had rifts with my lifelong friends that I never want to go through again, and each day since, I try my hardest to avoid those perils in my life.

I’m honest, but I’m not transparent. I’m supportive, but I’ll always speak my mind if I disagree, and even though part of my job is to bullshit with people, I’m not a liar and I’ll always say what I mean because the world needs to hear it.

I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character, but my experiences this last year living in Seattle has left me with the notion that when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes I let shitty people into my life, but not anymore. I want people who are honest and who are trustworthy and who understand that it’s not always important to be right, as it is to be fair. And like I said before, I always get what I want.

I have always lived my life for me, and in some ways I have always gotten what I wanted, although it never happen exactly the way I planned, or it’s never precisely what I expected. I think that’s alright as long as I realize that my wants must be genuine, and my actions to get them must be honest and commendable. If that’s the case, then I don’t see anything wrong with the idea of putting yourself first to get anything in life, especially if it helps someone else.

Maybe the Rolling Stones were on to something with that song, but I feel like the lyrics need to be tweaked just a bit to fit into my personal experiences. Perhaps it’s like this….

“You can’t always get what you want, but you will always get what you deserve.”

As someone who has proof of that concept, I like those lyrics a lot better.

The 30 Day Playlist (#1-#15)

On August 4th, I started to make a playlist called 1 A Day For 30 Days.  Each day I added one song to the playlist which was determined by something that happened during the day, or a song I heard for the first time, or what music was playing in my dream the night before that stuck in my head.  How I got the idea for this playlist was in the first song itself.


#1 Spiderwebs: No Doubt

I literally walked into a spiderweb on August 4th 2016.  Obviously I thought of this song and put it on in my apartment right afterwards.  Then I got this idea to keep going.  Put one song on the playlist each day and see what comes out.


#2 Trouble: Cage The Elephant

I was on a Bumble date one night in Capitol Hill with this girl who knew all the same music as me, but when this song came on in the bar, neither one of us knew it.  I Shazammed it at the bar, loved the lyrics immediately, downloaded the song when I got home and put in on the list.  Unfortunately for my date, the next song title would describe how that turned out.


#3 You Stay, I Go, No Following: Look Mexico

Thank you for absolutely nothing.  Ok, that’s being harsh, but I like this track because it reminds me of being a working man like I was this summer, and busting my ass for minimum wage…plus tips.   Anyway, I’m sure this might have a double meaning since some of these lyrics remind me of a girl I used to date, but then again, don’t they all?

#4 Hands Down: Dashboard Confessional

I still don’t think this song belongs on the playlist because it wasn’t me who put it on, it was the Bumble date girl.  The lyrics say “Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.” which is shocking to me.  I don’t know why she chose this one.  I told her I wanted to stop seeing her later that night.  Oops.


#5 Hello: Martin Solveig

“You’re alright but I’m here darling to enjoy the party  Don’t get too excited ‘cus that’s all you get from me”

That pretty much summed up how I felt about the girl I just stopped seeing.  When am I going to learn how silly dating apps are?

#6 Welcome to the Black Parade: My Chemical Romance

It was almost 90 degrees in Seattle this day.  It felt like summer, and what better than to put a track on the playlist that has the word summer in it.  Plus, I was learning to carry on in my life without the presence of someone else in it.  I’m not going too deep on this one cause it’s in the past now, but I learned my lesson, dodged a bullet, and carried on.


#7 Titanium: Colin McLoughlin

This is one of the best covers I have ever heard.  I especially like it cause it’s gender reversal with the vocals.  I like both versions of this song, but when I woke up this morning and saw this under new track in the iTunes store, I couldn’t help myself.  I also had been putting up these inspirational quotes behind the bar when I work to keep me going.  Obviously today’s was “Shoot Me Down, but I won’t fall. I am titanium.”


#8 Read My Mind: The Killers

“Put your back on me”  I relate the words that Brandon Flowers writes.  I connect to them so I guess that’s why The Killers are one of my all time favorite bands, at least I still regularly listen to the first three or four albums.  Some people hate the Killers and as much as I don’t get it, I respect their opinion to think that way.  I certainly understand that certain bands can be polarizing.  For example, I hate The Doors and I think the Beatles are overrated.  There, I said it.

#9 Louder, Harder, Better: Galantis

Sometimes whole genres of music can be polarizing.  Take EDM for example.  I really enjoy listening to it and I have for like 17 years now since I took my first hit of ecstasy.  Some people don’t get it, others do, but my guess is that people who don’t get it have never taken drugs before…. and there’s nothing really wrong with that.  EDM is like the psychedelic music movement of the 60, but with way more beats per minute.  I know it’s not really like that, but no one who reads this blog remembers the 60s anyway, so how would they know?

This song made it on the playlist because it was the day I realized my life in Seattle was pretty good.  As good as it has been before, and maybe I need to start living it like that.


#10 Bring Back The Summer:  Rain Man

More EDM!!  This is a song you can listen to in March when it’s raining because it reminds you that the summer is coming, and you can listen to it in September when it’s chilly because it reminds you of the summer that just past.  I think that’s cool that a song  can remind you of more than one summer in the same song.  I’ve have some pretty lame summers recently though so I prefer the fall, but Rain Man hasn’t come out with that track yet. Still, I have been listening to this song all summer long and it just HAD to make it on the list.


#11 Style: Taylor Swift

I was driving to the QFC playing with the radio and this cool beat came on.  I really liked that it sounded like an 80s song but I had never heard it before.  I broke out my phone and Shazammed  it and T.S. came up.  I started laughing my ass off.  Before my ex and I went public I had her name in my phone as “Taylor Swift 1989” cause they were born the same year and I was trying to be discreet in case people at work saw my phone. Of course it’s her.  But regardless, the lyrics are cute and even though not many people do, I still like Taylor Swift.  She’s a good artist.  If you disagree, please tell me why in the comment section.  I’d like to get into this debate.


#12 Iris: Goo Goo Dolls

This was the next song I turned to on the radio that night after I got my food from the grocery store.  I have sang karaoke twice in my whole life.  The first time I sang Counting Crows, Omaha.  The second time I sang this song.  I guess I have an affinity for sappy 90s music,  but the lyrics here are so fucking good.  Reminds me of being in love, then breaking up, but being ok with it finally.  Also remind me of being drunk at a bar back in L.A. singing this song as my voice cracked three or four times.


#13 Crash 2.0: Adventure Club

Another song that reminds me of my ex.  I gotta stop doing this, but I honestly felt while I was in that relationship that being with this girl was like a drug for me, and when we broke up a couple months later I fucking crashed…back down to earth.  That’s a story within a story.  Maybe I’ll tell that one later.

#14: Migraine: TwentyOne Pilots

I went out with that Bumble chick one night and she stayed over my place.  I tried making out with her, but it just wasn’t working for me.  THEN I get this horrendous migraine headache when I roll over and go to sleep.  My BFF told me that it was my body trying to tell my mind not to hook up wit this chick.  I think she was right.  When I woke up with a headache this morning it reminded me of that night.  Great song, but I can do without the headaches in the morning now.

#15 Unsteady: X Ambassadors (Justin Caruso remix)

I was on another date and after the girl and I went to my car to smoke a cigarette, she started playing music.  I rarely let people play music in my car, but this girl was interesting, a lawyer, and she kind of had really great taste in music.  A lot of the bands she played me I had never heard before, and I really enjoyed this one so I put it on the list.


#16-#30 coming next week.














Hello From the Other Side (Another Hollywood Moment)

I had another Hollywood moment the other night. What is that you might ask? Well to me, a Hollywood moment is when something in real life happens that could have taken place in a movie or on a TV show while you’re hanging out in Hollywoodland.

I used to get them a lot when I first moved here 12 years ago, like that time I saw Kelly Osbourne walk into Star Shoes, when I know she was only 19, or when I sat next to Taryn Manning at Prizzi’s and we had a conversation about how she didn’t know there wasn’t any sauce on a margherita pizza, or when I drove past the house in Burbank that was Kevin Arnold’s residence on The Wonder Years, or one that time Keanu Reeves asked me where the bathroom was, and then told ME I looked familiar.

Funny Keanu, I was thinking the same thing.

I wasn’t starstruck any time it happened…. instead I logged each moment in the back of my head as a topic of conversation for one day, and used them as proof to myself that I was on the right track because something “magical” in my eyes had just occurred and that’s all I needed at that point to keep me going.

I was young, I was impressionable, and these moments made me feel like it was only a matter of time before something “great” happened.

Years went by, and as I started to slowly loathe living here in L.A. I noticed these Hollywood moments stopped happening as much. When I did see some famous spot, or some famous person I started thinking how much uglier that liquor store from Superbad looks in real life, or how much of an asshole Ke$ha is (as if I would think any more of her in the first place. )

My reality was reflecting how I felt about this town, and I wasn’t surprised at all that these moments had turned on me.

I hadn’t had a good Hollywood moment in about 3 years until the other night, but this one was different from all the rest. There was no celebrity spotting, there was no awkward conversation at dinner, and there was no recognizable locations. It was just a bar full of women who just attended a concert, until they all broke out into song.

There I was with my co-workers having a drink after work at the Well when someone put on the song “Hello” by Adele.

I hadn’t noticed the song was on until the chorus when almost every woman at the bar in unison just started bellowing out the line…

“Hello from the other side!”

It felt like they rehearsed it, but I know that was impossible. It was just like being at a live show.  It was startling in the best way, and as I sipped my Don Julio and sprite, I immediately turned around and watched as these women sang every word of the chorus. It put a smile on my face because I could feel the power that song had over them, and I thought to myself how cathartic that moment in Hollywood was for me to witness.

I wanted to get out my phone and record what was happening, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop enjoying the moment long enough to do that. I found myself starstruck, when not one star or celebrity was in the building.  That had never happened to me before.

I’m sure signing along to ANY song at a bar probably happens in this country on a daily basis, so why was this moment so magical for me? I guess because it made me think back to a time when I really enjoyed living here and I was motivated and driven. I guess because it caused me to remember back when things were going so well, I just figured that they would always be that way.

I guess because it hadn’t happened in awhile.

I have one foot out the door here in L.A., and aside from the Adele sing a long the other night, I have witnessed a couple more of those Hollywood moments lately like when Skrillex appeared unannounced on stage the other night at my work during the GTA show, or when I served Teri Hatcher a red wine and I could swear she was flirting with me.

At first I thought that these moments meant I should stay because things are starting to happen but then I realized, they aren’t happening to me, they are happening around me. Maybe it means the opposite of what I thought so many years ago.

Maybe it means it’s time to go.

Things are starting to fall into place for me but they only started to recently when I decided that I would be happier if I moved to Seattle, managed a bar, and started writing my book. It’s almost like the universe is telling me this is the right path because my plan is making sense to other people who want to be a part of it, and it’s very possible that this grand idea of mine could manifest in the next few months.

So why are these “Hollywood moments” starting to happen again when I have finally decided it’s time to leave? Should I second guess myself? Should I stay and see what happens next? Is my acting/writing career about to take off and maybe this is a bad time to leave southern California? The answer to those questions are all the same. They begin with “No,” and end with “fucking way.”

Ever notice at the end of some movie, they use a location or repeat dialogue or bring back some scenario from an earlier act to tie it all together? Like in Swingers, the first and last scene are about Mikey (played by Jon Favreau) complaining about his broken heart, but then 78 minutes later he is trying to explain why it happened as they sit in the same booth in the101 coffee shop at the end of the film, as they did in the beginning of the film.

I think that’s what happening in my life. I’m experiencing these Hollywood moments again because the movie is about to end. I’m being reminded of how powerful these last 12 years have been to me, but I’m also being reminded that whatever I have been creating the last few weeks might be the right course of action, and I should just sit back and watch it all happen until the credits start to roll.

I know it may be silly to try and appropriate a moment in time when a group of women at a bar singing along to a top 40 hit could have some relevance in my life, but I really feel like for some reason, it did.

I know it’s about someone who is far away from someone else who they haven’t talked to in awhile. I know they are sorry for breaking someone’s heart, and I know that even though those lyrics don’t necessarily relate to a person in my life, perhaps they relate to a situation.

Maybe it’s me from L.A. saying I’m sorry to Seattle for leaving it 13 years ago. Maybe I broke the Emerald City’s heart, but maybe I have a chance now to mend that wound if they would only pick up the phone.

Tonight another Hollywood moment may happen, but tomorrow I still feel like I’m going to wake up and keep going on the path out of L.A that I apparently have chosen. I know what’s best for me, and I know that I have had moments in my life when I feel like I’m in a movie or a TV show, but I know now that I don’t necessarily have to be in Hollywood land to have it all make sense.

Perhaps one day I will be listening to that song and I will be saying “Hello to the other side” as I face south from my balcony in Seattle and wave to Los Angeles and remember that time a few years ago when I was moved by a bunch of women belting out the lyrics to a song at a bar one night after work.

What an amazing Hollywood moment that will be when it happens.

Making Friends (with Lagwagon)

I went and saw a band last night that I have seen about a dozen times since 1995.  However this time, twenty years had gone by since I first heard this song live. They just never play it, until last night.  Of course it resonated with me again and I woke up and played it about ten times already. I could elaborate about what it means to me, but when it comes down to it,  some things just never get old, even though you get older.   These are the lyrics which I can’t take credit for.

Making Friends

As you’re in this, search for something to hate
I can feel you rally around someone with your peers
But can you stand alone?
Can you take the long way home?

‘Cause I stood in the circle a hundred times before
And I feel safer in the eye of the storm
You can throw your stones
I’ll only bleed for you for one day

They all answer to the hearsay
but they will only care for one day
It’s so small, it’s so small
And I would love to show you all

I can see you in the middle of a doubt
You told them we had a falling out
Sick your dogs on me as you take the easy way out
So I will be a freak show when the circus comes to town
And I will rain on your parade without a sound
Then we will draw a crowd that’s only breaking down for one day

I graduate this class with honor
And I will never fail drama


One More Possibility Day

I love music. I love how it makes me feel and I love when I hear a sad song for the first time  but it creates a happy moment in my life that I will remember forever.

I saw Counting Crows play this track last week in concert, and since then I’ve listened to it every day there after.  Maybe the lyrics are a little depressing, but at least that resonates with me cause I know I’m not alone.  Sometimes, that’s all I need to get by.

“And the worst part of a good day is knowing it’s slipping away.

That’s one more possibility day that is gone.”